Thousands of Girls Match Description of Missing Sorority Sister

Television newscasts have long been seen as a convenient, and accessible medium for the American public to stay informed and up –to-date. Trusted networks such as Fox and CNN deliver news stories that range from political updates to social phenomena. Most of these news sources choose to deliver their newscasts both on television and in an online digital format, allowing for greater ease of access and therefore increased exposure. The Onion, one such online news provider, enables its audience to experience a refreshing take on today’s current events in both print and video formats.

Recently, the Onion News Network (or ONN) featured a video entitled “Thousands of Girls Match Description of Missing Sorority Sister.” Presented in this video format, the story takes on a familiar feel, as the viewers take in a serious and professional reporter framed by a very realistic looking newsroom. Just as one would expect, a series of updates stream across the bottom of the screen, boasting such titles as “TYLER PERRY MARRIES HIMSELF DRESSED AS A WOMAN,“ “HAPPENING NOW IN SEATTLE: TERRIFIED SPIDER SCREAMS RIGHT BACK AT WOMAN,” and “BLACK & DECKER INTRODUCES PAPER SHREDDER SHREDDER FOR EXTREME PARANOIDS.”

The story addresses the difficulty facing the Columbus Police Department in finding a missing Ohio State University student. Jessica Hagan is described as a member of the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority who was last seen wearing “a tank top, Ugg boots, and blue Victoria Secret pajama pants with the word pink written across the back.” The report continues by noting that the police had received over 13,000 tips, all of which had led them to other students matching the exact same description. If there is one thing to be said about the Onion, they get to the point. The website is full of stories that are characterized by extraordinarily blunt messages, presented in manner that takes the opposing side, yet leaves no doubt about the real message.

By virtue of navigating to theonion.com, it is assumed that one will have a sense of humor, and will most likely be relatively young. College students would therefore be one subset of the target audience, and would almost certainly find a great deal of humor laced with undeniable truths in this video. While only artificial appeals to ethos, pathos, and logos are evident within the story itself, the result is one of real rhetorical influence on viewers. In quoting various “reliable” sources, the onion establishes an excess of logical appeals. One quote notes that the Columbus Police had come to the conclusion that they would release Jessica’s complete DNA sequence, as they had determined that “at a certain point, it literally becomes the only way to tell.”

It is fairly common knowledge that truly great humor stems from observations based on real life experiences and known truths. Seinfeld, a show about nothing, features the day-to-day lives and comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends. Many of Jerry’s most well-known quotes are simply well-said observations.

“I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" 


Everyone knows those girls, and everyone can appreciate the humor in the police descriptions of Jessica Hagan. After the initial list of Jessica’s attributes only led police to thousands of girls fitting the exact same description, they managed to create a list that further narrowed down the search, allowing police to sift through the multitudes of girls who turned themselves in thinking they might be Hagan. The new list is displayed on the screen and features things like “always ready to have fun but is also really organized,” “bedazzled iphone case,” and “describes herself as ‘such a dork.’” Just as the caption on the screen informs viewers that, “sightings place Jessica at hundreds of possible locations within 15 minutes disappearance,” it is easy for people to think of multiple people that would easily fit Jessica’s descriptions.

At some point, however, it is necessary to look deeper than the surface level humor, and uncover what this video really says about our culture and society. At best, this “news story” is an entertaining portrayal of the absurdity and one-dimensionality of today’s young women; at worst, a disturbing commentary on an increasing trend that represents the decay of female decency, maturity, and intellectuality. No matter how you choose to look at it, there is certainly something to be said for the accuracy of the story as a moral and societal commentary.

As if the overlying theme of a lack of identity for today’s young adults (“Jessica was last seen with OSU fraternity brother: either this man, this man, this man, this man... or this man”), the story subtly gets to the heart of another problem in our society- the decline of familial relationships. Although it plays a small part in the story, and would be easily missed by many, the caption that reads “Jessica’s Mother: ‘Please help us find Jen, I mean Jess,” speaks volumes. While an extreme example, this appeal to ethos invokes an initial response of laughter, followed soon after by the realization that, as with all things Onion, there is some measure of truth behind the humor. The statement by Jen, I mean Jess’s mother could be taken to mean a variety of things. Certainly it furthers the representation of Jessica Hagan as a girl without an identity - someone who no one can seem to recognize. In addition, however, it sheds light on the ignorance of parents with regards to their children’s whereabouts and goings-on.

The fact of the matter is that the Onion has taken audience awareness to a whole new level. The writers of these news stories know what it is their readers care about, what will make them laugh, what will make them think, and what will make them come begging for more. In their crusade to capture the hearts and funny bones of their audience, the Onion displays a mastery of rhetorical devices and strategies that allow for a greater level of success in the online world. Rich with irony, and satire, it is not a source to which one would go for an accurate and straightforward representation of current events. On the contrary, the Onion would most likely be the last place someone would look on such occasions. If, however, a reader were looking to experience and enjoy a fresh twist on social, political, and a variety of other issues, this would be an excellent source to seek out. It is not an easy thing to effectively deliver a message using blatant satire and sarcasm. In fact, it takes a considerable amount of rhetorical proficiency, and the Onion has proved their qualifications on this note time and time again.